Not Sharing
by defender82
Summary: The next converstation after Not Poaching. This time Mal's going to talk to Zoe about this thing she has going withthe pilot.


This is a sequel to Not Poaching. Mal is going to talk to Zoe about this thing she's got going with the pilot.

I would like to thank Sarah for her insightful beta and Archer for giving it a second read.

Not Sharing

Mal had been skulking around for a couple of days waiting for an opportunity to talk to Zoe about what was going on with her and Wash.  The pilot had told him pretty clearly what he wanted.  That was to marry Zoe.  He had been right cocky about it too, when Mal had told him that he thought he wasn't the man to make her happy.  The pilot's response had been echoing in his head ever since, "_When Zoe tells me I'm not the man then I'll pay attention. 'Till then your opinion and com-static, all the same to me."_

It had pissed him off royal at the time and it still did every time he thought about it since. Which had been a lot.  He'd studied on it and decided it would be best to tackle Zoe with it off-ship so it would be just him and her.  No chance of anyone coming in unexpected to interrupt them.  Course the only two others on the boat were Kaylee and Wash.  But he had a feeling Wash would feel entitled to weigh in and Mal thought he wasn't.  The stick-jockey already made it clear he was bedding Zoe.  He figured pillow talk gave Wash all the advantage in the situation he intended to give him.  It wasn't like Mal could get his word in there, so there'd be no need for Wash to think he could get his in here.  

Once decided though, he had to wait for landfall on Greenleaf to get her to himself.  They had to refuel and Kaylee had some upgrades she wanted to install.  They weren't flush but they had enough on hand to let her go to the salvage yard for her doodads.  Wash could see to the refueling and he and Zoe would deliver their cargo, re-provison and go for a nice quiet drink where he could broach the subject.  

When he'd gone up to the bridge to tell the pilot that he and Zoe would be gone on the delivery job a couple of hours, Wash had grinned at him in knowing amusement and said, "_Sure Mal, take all the time you need.  I can help Kaylee with the refit after I get us refueled, no need to rush back_."  The knowing glint in his eye made Mal want to put his foot through the bulkhead or right up the man's ass.

Coming down the ladder from the bridge into the cargo bay he saw Zoe checking the lading manifest on the shipment already loaded on the mule's trailer. It had even been legal if you didn't notice the Excise stamp was a forgery. It turned out he had very poor eyesight in that regard, no better than those blind bastards who had tried to hijack the cargo. As he reached her side she straightened up and looked inquiringly at him. 

"We ready to go?" 

"Yes, sir.  Just checking to make sure we got everything.  Fifteen oak barrels of 25 year old corn whiskey, ready to be bottled."

"Yeah, this was a real lucrative run, and not much risk, really."  He said absent-mindedly.

"Unless you count that shooting thing when we were loading, sir."

"Well, that wasn't anything to speak of.  He said with an assumption of his usual casual good humor. "Nobody got close enough to even nick Serenity's paint, let alone hit one of us.  No harm done." 

They left on the mule, Mal driving with Zoe riding pillion.  The loaded trailer made it slow going but Mal didn't want to shout what he was going to say.  He wanted to be looking at her as he said it not have her behind his back.  So he waited until they made the delivery.  He was wound tight as a spring, and anxious to have it out with Zoe, but the buyer was happy with the job and offered them a sample.  So, for the sake of good relations, they had a drink and accepted a bottle to split with Wash and Kaylee later.  

They left their order for provisions with the chandler to load on the mule and Mal suggested they have a drink and a bite to eat at a nearby tavern.  The food was plain but good.  Anything was a treat after being down to protein and brown rice the better part of the last two weeks.  They ordered their meal and sat sipping their drinks in silence. Finally he decided there was no point in delaying it any further, might as well jump in.

"There's something I need to talk to you about."  His discomfort was plain to see.

"Figured there was, Captain."  After a pause she added, "Do you plan to do it anytime soon?"

"Aww, Zoe, after all these years I never thought there would be anything we couldn't say to each other.  Some things we _don't say, but I never thought there was anything we __couldn't."._

"Say what you want Mal, it won't change anything."  She said softly.

"It won't change anything between _us_ or between you and that _liou__ mahng  pilot?"_

"Both—neither."  She said it with an air of gentle finality that made him desperate to convince her of the force of his arguments.

"You don't know him."

"We've shared the same ship for over a year.  Day in, day out.  He's a good pilot and a good man.  I know what I need to."

"Look, I know it's been a long time since you took anyone into your bed--"  her raised eyebrow slowed him down, but didn't stop him.  He took a breath and plowed on.   "I'm not sayin' don't grapple with him.  God knows if anyone has a right to some pleasure in this life it's you.   I'm just sayin' he's not—don't marry him, no need to make it permanent."

"He hasn't asked to make it permanent."

"He will.''  He said grimly.

"I see—he talked to you, did he?"  After a pause she asked, "You mind my askin' did he bring it up or did you?"

"Does it matter?" He asked. 

"Yeah," her brow slightly furrowed in concentration.  "Yeah it does."

"How so?"

"Well" she said slowly as if she was sorting out her own thoughts as she spoke.  "If you brought it up he might have felt he had to justify what we been doin' to you.  But if he brought it up that's different—I'd want to know that."

"Oh, he brought it up—dragged it neck and crop into the room whether I would or no, and given a choice I'm here to tell you it would have been no."  His harassed tone made her chuckle.

"I don't trust him, Zoe." He said flatly.

"Don't trust him to do what? Fly the ship he's been flying for over a year?  Step up when there's a bit of gunplay?  Land in a hot LZ to take us off when something goes wrong?  Seems to me he's earned your trust, sir, in doin' the needful."

"Never said the man was a coward and always said he was the best pilot I ever saw.  Wouldn't have him aboard Serenity if he didn't know his business.  I just don't trust him with _you."  _

"_Shenme__?"___

"You deserve to be happy.  I just don't think this guy will make you happy."

"He already does." 

Mal winced.  "What ever happened to something about him botherin' you?  Cause I sure felt better about the situation when you were bothered!"

"Somewhere along the line he stopped botherin' me and started to make me happy."

"I don't trust him."  He said stubbornly. 

"To do what?"

"I checked on his reputation."  He waited to see if she'd ask what for.  When she didn't he went on, "He's a chaser, Zoe.  He's got a casualness about his appetites that don't sit well."

"He's been aboard fifteen months, sir.  Near as I can tell I'm the only one he's chased, unless you know something different?  I know you threw Kaylee at him pretty steady when she first came aboard."

He blushed in mortification.  "I figured the way she came on board even Wash'd be a step up for her.  'Sides,that was before I got to know her."

"My point is I ain't seen any of this casualness you been talkin' about here.  And I'm no blushing virgin, I didn't jump into this with my eyes closed, I grew into it from living with him and learnin' the kind of man he is."

"I still don't trust him,--a man's different after he gets what he wants.  You're not a changeable woman Zoe.  He still plays with plastic dinosaurs!  _Ee__-chi shung-hoo-shi_.  What if he loses interest, man's got the attention span of a gnat.  You marry him _you'll stick but what if he won't?"_

"Don't expect that's likely to happen, sir."

"I don't trust him."  

"Don't trust him to do what?"  When he didn't answer, just sat there looking mulish, she asked "Don't trust him not to die?"   The stricken look on his face must have told her she'd come near to the heart of the matter.

"I loved Tet and he died.  Part of me died with him on that battlefield.  But Wash, he makes that part of me feel alive again.  Wash made me realize that I'm not so afraid of losing something that I won't try havin' it."  She looked at him sadly as he refused to meet her eyes

After a long pause, she said into the silence of his anger. "I can't make you feel that way too, but I can hope someday you do.  Because until you do I think you'll still be a prisoner in that Valley."

"I could put him off the boat.  If I told him to go he'd go."

"You don't want to do that, sir."

"Why?"  He said it in anguish, fearful of her answer but needing to know if she would leave him for the man.

"I don't know what I'd do in case you put him off. We been together all our lives, pretty near. But I can tell you this, Mal, I would never feel the same way about you again."

"It will confuse things, it will divide your loyalties, it will put you in peril.  That's the heart of it Zoe.  I don't trust him not to put you in peril." He said desperately.

She laughed at him.  "You put me in peril every time we go on a run!  What's Wash gonna do that you don't do already?"

"When I put you in peril it's because I know with a fair degree of certainty either you can get out of it on your own or I can get you out.  That man don't know you, don't hardly know the limits of you and certainly ain't capable of gettin' you out of any scrape you're like to find yourself in."

"Mal, you told me a long time ago that if I found the man who might hold my future you wanted to feel happy for me.  I want the chance to find out if Wash's that man.  I think you gotta' stand back in this.

"If he hurts you, I'll kill him."

"I expect you told him so."

"I did that."  He said grimly.

"What did he say?" She asked gently.

Mal answered reluctantly, "Said if he hurt you he'd already rue the day he was born.  Look, I ain't never said he ain't smitten with you and he's got more gumption than I would have thought."  He stopped.  He wanted to explain to her what his feelingswere on the subject.  He just wasn't sure himself and certainly didn't know how to put such deep sentiments into words.

"I just—I just want—I just want you to—Gorramit!  I'm not even sure anymore what I want but I know I want you to be happy and safe and I want us to be together.  I know it ain't never been like that with us.  Raised together and all, time came and passed where it would have happened if it was going to and it never did.  I ain't trying to keep you from what every woman's got a right to, _nah mei guan shi!  You're the only kin left to me.  What'll I do without you, woman?"  His eyes were bright with unshed tears as he choked it out._

"Mal, I ain't leavin' Serenity.  She's my home.  She's even Wash's home. There's room for both of you in my heart.  I'm askin' you not to make me choose when I don't have to."

"What if he asks you to choose?  What then?" He asked with the anguish plain in his voice.

"He won't."  She said with a comforting certainty.

They sat in a companionable silence for awhile as he digested this.  "You know," he said fatalistically as he summoned the waiter and paid their shot, "he is going to be one smug son of a bitch after this.  Man's gonna be insufferable to live with."  

They picked up the mule and paid the chandler then rode it back to the ship, this time the silence was comforting.  He'd said everything he could think of and if he hadn't changed her mind at least his worst fears were allayed.  As they went up the ramp to the cargo bay he noticed to one side the two duffle bags that were all the luggage Wash had come aboard with fifteen months ago. At the time he'd been surprised, he'd thought civilians traveled with more bits and bobs.  But Wash had said he spent his life moving from pillar to post and it was easier to do lightly laden.

Wash was in the cargo bay too, sitting on a crate facing the ramp with his feet dangling, wearing one of those loud aloha shirts that always made it hard to take the man seriously.  Mal always felt like they were shouting at him.  As he drove the mule to the back of the bay and dogged it down he watched Zoe take the ladder up to the mess.  Although she gave the pilot an intimate smile, she didn't say anything.  Wash gave a grin and wriggled all over like a puppy. It was like her to let him deal with the pilot alone.  She wasn't going to force his hand.

"Well, Mal, do I stay or do I go?"  Wash said as soon as he finished with the mule.

"I see you weren't too sure your ownself, packed your grips and all."

"I told you it's your ship and if you put me off I'd go."  He gave an insouciant grin.    "I figure you had your words with Zoe, so you should be ready to say.  I figure she either let you put me off or she didn't.  Either way the next few minutes will be informative."

"You don't want to ask Zoe to go with you?"  He asked the pilot curiously.

"She's got most of a lifetime of history with you.  With me, not so much.  I don't intend to make her choose when whatever choice she makes she'll regret.  In a few months you'll still be the man she walks through fire for.   I _might_ only be that eccentric pilot she slept with once upon a time. The one who played with dinosaurs, wore loud shirts and told lousy jokes.  I intend to make _you choose."_

"Wha-a-a-t?  You know that you're the biggest gorram pain in the ass?"  Mal said through gritted teeth.

"Yeah, I told you before, I get that a lot."  Wash looked like he was trying not to look smug, but he didn't look like he was trying very hard.  "I figure we can share her or you can put me off.  You'll keep her for now but I figure you're smart enough to know you're gonna lose her in the end.  Maybe to someone who isn't willing to share."

"That the way you figure it, is it?"

"Well, I'm eccentric, not stupid.  Cheer up, Cap.   Maybe she'll say no." 

But his grin said he didn't think so and neither did Mal.  '_Oh no._  I ain't never been that lucky.  Nothing ever goes that smooth.  _He thought, as he walked away to the sound of Wash's chuckle.  He wondered where Kaylee was.  At least she didn't laugh at him every time he walked in the room and there was that little matter of a bottle of 25 year old corn whiskey.  That was one gorram thing he __didn't intend to share with Wash._

Chinese Glossary

_iliou mahng_ /i [bastard]

_iEe-chi shung-hoo-shi/i_ [Let's all take a deep breath]

_iNah mei guan shi_/i[That has nothing to do with it]

I appreciate any critical comments.


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